AN ASS-WIPE PSA

A series of instructions on how to wipe your ass the right way. (Photo credit: Myra Su)

The right way being a way that conserves as much toilet paper as possible in order to avoid running out so you don’t have to go to the grocery store as much (where you will just be disappointed because all of the toilet paper is gone, gone, gone.)

1. THE TRIANGLE: Before Covid19 we thought “squares” now we need to think triangles. Take a square. Take some scissors (There! Right there! On the kitchen sink, still there from when you gave yourself that insane quarantine haircut, remember?) Now, cut the square in half. Triangle. And that’s just geometry, folks.

Once you master THE TRIANGLE you can advance to “THE STRIPS”…..

2.THE STRIPS. Take a square. Make a triangle. Go smaller. Tiny little tails for your streaky diarrhea.

3. A BEAUTIFUL SERIES OF INTRICATE FOLDS. Normally, there is so much of the toilet paper square that doesn’t get used! Not with this method: Wipe. And fold. Wipe. And fold. It’s origami. Booty origami. Pitfalls of this method? Feces gets on your hand if you aren’t careful. And that right there is a health hazard.

4.THINKING OUTSIDE THE TP. Other objects are lying around and these friends are just waiting for their chance to touch your asshole. A dish rag, An old t-shirt, a loofah, that Christmas tinsel…. A copy of Grapes of Wrath-

Tom stood looking in. Ma was heavy, but not fat; thick with child-bearing and work. She wore a loose Mother Hubbard of gray cloth in which there had once been colored flowers, but the color was washed out now, so that the small flowered pattern was only a little lighter gray than the background. The dress came down to her ankles, and her strong, broad, bare feet moved quickly and deftly over the floor. Her thin, steel-gray hair was gathered in a sparse wispy knot at the back of her head. Strong freckled arms were bare to the elbow, and her hands were chubby and delicate, like those of a plump little girl. She looked out into the sunshine. Her full face was not soft; it was controlled, kindly. Her hazel eyes seemed to have experienced all possible tragedy and to have mounted pain and suffering like steps into a high calm and a superhuman understanding. She seemed to know, to accept, to welcome her position, the citadel of the family, the strong place that could not be taken. And since old Tom and the children could not know hurt or fear unless she acknowledged hurt and fear, she had practiced denying them in herself.

SAFETY TIP: Make sure you put anything that isn’t going down the toilet into the fumigation bucket.

Do NOT use these Methods:

• A child’s parachute. Seems good: too big. Even for the chunkiest of Doods.
• An American Flag. I’m not tryna go to go to jail.

5. WATER

You don’t need a fancy bidet. A super soaker does the trick!

and finally….

6. NO ASS NO PROBLEM. If you can’t poop, you can’t use toilet paper. if you can’t use toilet paper, please send your toilet paper to people who don’t have toilet paper because people need toilet paper right now.

Thank you and goodnight,

Ida

This piece was originally performed on Match 16th, 2020 as part of Rough House’s Nasty Brutish and Short Puppet Cabaret.