KISS ME*, I’M QUARANTINED.
Hello, It’s been a rough week. No gyms, or mickey mouse. No theater shows and, uh oh, poor Forrest Gump. Your 1099 jobs are melting away like the zinc lozenges on your tongue and the pop songs you sang to wash your hands went from cute to sad and annoying. Remember how only last Sunday the biggest deal was DAYLIGHT FUCKING SAVINGS? Now all you can do is read the news and check your email where you are getting messages from Uber, Panera, the Container Store, and other listservs you didn’t even know you had subscribed to with subject lines like, “How we’re coping with this crises” and “We care about you.” This will be the first and only time that the Container Store will tell you that they care about you so you might as well enjoy that while you can, especially since your brain’s serotonin levels are about to plummet lower than today’s stock market as a result of not being able to touch or be touched by anyone for the REST OF YOUR LIFE.
But in these bleak times, allow me to remind you of some good news, some silver 90-percent-alcohol-based lining in what was an otherwise bleak week:
It’s March 14th, 2020 and Chicago’s St. Patrick’s Day Parade and Festivities are NOT HAPPENING.
The river runs normal!
We DON’T have to put up with men carrying 7–11 Slurpee cups filled with green beer dressed as half leprechaun, half internet predator on the El train!
No collectively upchucked Mcdonalds shamrock shake vomit down the aisles on the redline from Grand and State to North and Clybourn. Not this year! NOT. THIS. YEAR.
I was SO happy when I learned that these events were to be canceled indefinitely that I let out a yelp. Someone thought it was a cough. And they stared at me.
I am scared of the Virus.
I am scared I didn’t buy enough TP.
BUT WHAT IS SOMETHING I AM NOT SCARED OF:
Walking home tonight through Wrigleyville!
My keychain Purell? Ran out ages ago.
My keychain mace? Will remain unused!!!
CAN I GET AN “ERIN GO BRAUGH,” BITCHES?
NO ONE IS GOING TO PINCH US BECAUSE PINCHING INVOLVES SKIN TO SKIN CONTACT!
Look, I am not SAYING that I hope for more and more events to be canceled.
What I am SAYING is that I hope that that woman I saw on the Red line on St. Patty’s day 2014 silently crying while green face-painted frat boys yelled Danny Boy at her face, had a better day today at a safe social distance from everyone else!
I know St. Patricks Day is Christmas for some Chicagoans. But as far as this hypochondriac Jew is concerned, this Corona Grinch did us Who’s down in Whoville a goddamn mitzvah.
P.S. I did see some rogue revelers out there. They were all wearing shamrock glasses and harassing a pigeon outside of the Walgreens on Lawrence and Western. I avoided them so hard I wish the CDC were there to see it. They woulda given me a goddamn trophy.
*but obviously, don’t kiss me.
