“NO ONE ASKED YOU TO DO THIS”: ONE MAN’S FUTILE PURSUIT TO STOP THE GREAT LAKE JUMPER.
By now, we are all familiar with the story of the man who jumped in Lake Michigan every day for 365 days. But maybe less familiar with the story of the man, who, everyday, for 365 days tried to stop him. That man is me. This is my story:
For my safety and the safety of my family, it’s important I remain anonymous. There are people out there who hate my guts, I’ve already had death threats. Why? It seems like people would rather protect the reputation of a man who does philanthropic cannonballs than thank a man who does actual philanthropy.
That’s right. I was on a mission to protect the environment. Specifically? The fish. Did you know There are millions, maybe billions of fish who call Lake Michigan home? Do you know how many of these fish were scared every day for a year in their own home? How would you like it if a 140 pound great northern pike came into your living room, topless, and flopped on your bed?
It wasn’t easy to thwart the plans of this Great Lake Jumping Terrorist. In fact it was absolutely impossible. I never once succeeded. Dan O’Connor AKA Lake Jumper is an unstoppable mass, a force of nature the likes of which have never been seen. The first few days I had no physical contact. I merely approached him from a safe six foot distance and asked if he wanted to know more about the difference between the lake sturgeon and lake trout. When that didn’t work I resorted to psychological warfare, pretending to be a loyal passenger who takes his CTA bus route and told him I would never take his bus again if he jumped in. O’Connor didn’t buy it, and maybe this was due to what, yes, I now recognize was a silly costume choice of bowler hat and tap shoes. I used force on several occasions, three times as myself, four times dressed as a cop, and once dressed as Lori Lightfoot. These costumes were a lot better than the bowler hat, but it still didn’t work. Nothing worked. Winter came, and I hoped that the cold and the ice would either deter or kill him. It did neither.
When it became apparent that O’Connor was not going to listen to me I reached out to some of the very musicians he was raising money for, maybe his heroes would be willing to appeal to his sense of empathy for these cold blooded, but warm hearted swimmers . I tweeted at Jeff Tweedy: Tell him you want him to stop. Tell him it’s enough already. Tell him you know he’s stressed out and trying to unwind but so are the aquatic vertebrates and what with pollution, over fishing and now THIS SHIT- it’s a lot harder for them than it is for you! I got no response from Tweedy and when he played guitar at Dan’s 365th jump a couple of weeks ago it was clear to me that Jeff, like Dan, wants the lake’s beautiful underwater friends to suffer.
Shame on you Jeff Tweedy. “Let’s Go Rain” used to be my favorite song. Now I can’t even listen to “I Know What It’s Like” without feeling like: No. You don’t.
Around day 100 of his lake jumps, I decided I needed backup so I reached out to PETA. Got nothing. Where is PETA these days? Isn’t this, like, their ONE job?
When all is said and done (and thank GOD it IS done) I know it will be easy to portray me as the bad guy. Ruining everyone’s source of “good news” in this dark pandemic. I didn’t do this because it brought me joy! I did it because in this immoral corrupt world there has to be someone who stands up for what is right. If I have to go down in history as a fish loving fun sucker, so be it. Because I know that the Atlantic Salmon, Bass, Brook Trout, Brown Trout, Catfish and Bullheads, Common Carp, Chinook, Coho, Crappie, Lake Sturgeon, Lake Trout, Menominee, Muskellunge,Northern Pike, Pink Salmon, Rainbow Trout. And the Smelt. And the Steelhead trout. And the Sunfish. Whitefish, Walleye, White Bass, and Yellow Perch… are thanking me.
